


All Dogs Have Secret Lives

by alamerysl, Perydot



Series: Adventures in Crack [4]
Category: AO3 Tags, Organization for Transformative Works RPF
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Mild Language, Real Dog Fiction, What Have I Done, Wranglers Are Not Adult Supervision
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6289798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alamerysl/pseuds/alamerysl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perydot/pseuds/Perydot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chili the Secret Tag Wrangler goes through her normal wrangling routine once her Human leaves, but she soon meets an adversary unlike any other she's faced before...</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Dogs Have Secret Lives

Chili waited as her wrangling page loaded. She also had Slack open and waited for its flash to call for her.

That long wait that makes her question her decisions, and just when she goes to close the tab, the screen loads… with _all_ the tags and fandoms.

(Good tags! They're all such good tags!)

She growls and clicks on the "Only Show Unwrangled Tags" option. The screen clears to just a few fandoms. Her tail wags. She is happy and at peace for once in her wrangling career.

Chili begins with the character tags. They have the most meat. She clears them with the precision that only a dog can give - cats are overhyped, they have no actual abilities besides knocking things over on purpose.

Then she moves to relationships. They're boring and aren't as much fun as she'd like. She powers quickly through them.

Finally, the freeforms! The bane of her wrangling existence. These humans are ridiculous, making up so many weird, _weird_ tags that should just go in the author notes. Besides her human, Chili wonders why they're all so weird and honestly stupid.  _Humans._ What would they do without dogs to take care of them? Chili has to wake  her human up, make sure he eats, and gets out the door for whatever humans do when they go outside without them. _Walks_ , she thinks, _everyone_ loves _walks_. Still, she has to stare at him for leaving her alone in the house. _Maybe I should rip some things up..._

She watches the freeform bin carefully, seeing all the tags squirming around. She pounces and lands on an easy one.

“Jim Kirk - Freeform” barely puts up a struggle before she has it pinned down. She gnaws on an end for a bit before dragging it over to the unwrangleable cage. If she finds one too unruly for her perfect canines, she will bark for the Sarlacc to come and get it. (She’s pretty sure the Sarlacc is SuperDog in disguise. The Sarlacc _always_ defeats the tag. Always. She wants to test him one day to find out the truth!)

One down. 157 more to go.

Today will be a long day.

She soon finds her next prey:

"almost blind marco omg this is so good".

This one puts up a bit more of a fight. At first, Chili thinks about sending the tag to “Blind Marco”’s room, but the “almost” qualifier makes her hesitate. She doesn't want to add it to her unfilterable bin, but… 

She gives it a little pat and drags it over there anyway. Sometimes a wrangler must be cruel to be kind. And it’ll teach those annoying humans to start tagging correctly. As she walks back her spot, she howls, " _Hoooooooooomuuuuuuuns!"_ Or maybe she says that in her head. She can't really tell at this point.

The next few tags are similarly weak prey, easily defeated by Chili with the help of the Most Likely SuperDog Sarlacc.

Then she encounters it. A big one. This is one tag that won’t be easily defeated.

"and erwin spends way too much time thinking about how smart he is"

At first it seems like a typical tag to use to exercise one's teeth with. She grabs it in the middle and shakes it a bit, but the tag continues to squirm. She hasn't had such an unruly chew toy before. She growls dangerously, but the tag just keeps on squirming.

Chili thinks about synning it to "Smart Erwin", but… she bows her head and covers her eyes with her paw. It hurts her cute doggie eyes to see this wayward chew toy tag. She wants to call for SuperDog Sarlacc, but he went to help another wrangler. (It's a cat, and just the thought of a cat doing the same job as her makes her want to open the windows in her human's house and bark out in annoyance. Dogs are just _better_ , as everyone should know.)

She’s determined to handle this unruly tag by herself now. _If I can defeat this tag, I will show everyone that dogs are better wranglers than cats._

After long minutes of battling and implementing various strategies (namely chasing it down, growling at it, and brandishing her long, uncut nails), Chili emerges as the victor. A proud smile appears on her muzzle, just in time for SuperDog Sarlacc to come zooming back to her side.

“See?” she barks. “I did it! I defeated the tag!” Sarlacc nods their head with the look of a proud father. "Maybe I should take over the SuperDog position…" Sarlacc raises a doubtful brow and Chili wilts a bit. (She might as well have a visible sweat mark over her head like in those shows her human watches.) “Just kidding!”

Sarlacc knows she wasn't, but moves on nonetheless. "Next tag!"

The tag bin has thinned out a bit but there are still many more to tackle.

As if sensing her sudden trepidation, SuperDog gives her a few words of encouragement. “Good work, citizen! I’m confident you’ll defeat the rest of these tags in no time! And now I hear another cat wrangler meowing for help. Stay safe and work hard!”

Chili shakes off the dust left from Superdog’s departure and gets back to work.

"And Eren wears leather booty shorts and red stockings"

Chili doesn't even know where to go with this one. She is as stumped as a freshly cut tree.

Is there a "Crossdressing Eren Yeager" tag? Chili shuffles through the canonical freeforms, those tamed tags that obediently follow her barked commands.

But then she wonders, is this really crossdressing? _I mean…_ _Dogs are supposed to be more advanced than humans with regards to heteronormativity. There’s no need for stockings to be a feminine piece of clothing, right? Dogs don't even wear_ clothes _! Well, not unless the human gets really excited and forces them into them._

But looking through the other Eren Yeager tags, there’s nothing else that could possibly work. "Crossdressing Eren Yeager" it is…

With a soft _ruff_ , said tag trots over quickly. “Now, little tag,” Chili begins, nosing the canonical tag, “Here’s another syn for you to take care of. I know you’re already doing a great job with the existing syns, so I know this tag is in good hands.”

Chili watches the canonical lead the synned tag to its new home before turning back to her next opponent.

"Jean loses his mind over a belly button"

Head tilt. _Huh?_ That's certainly an… odd tag, but Chili can't say anything more because Shingeki no Kyojin fans hand her some pretty freaking weird tags. Just the other day, she got a tag about teaching Titans to _knit_. Titans, the things that mindlessly attack and eat humans, _knitting_ like sweet little old grannies like Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother… her _real_ grandmother, not the Wolf in her clothes. (Not that Chili is saying knitting is only for old women! She covers her eyes with her paw. _Oh, I sound so mean…_ she whimpers.)

Chili can actually relate to the tag, though, since dogs don’t have belly buttons. The first time she saw her human without their shirt on, her little dog eyes bugged out. _What is that thing?_ _A hole? Is Human okay? I better give him some licks._ (Human doesn't even have fur on him! He must be so cold all the time, which is why it's her sole duty to sleep on him to make sure he doesn't freeze in the middle of the night.)

Unfortunately, there is no belly button related tag on the Archive. Chili just has to accept that this tag exists and shows it on its way to the unfilterable bin. It won't be lonely; it'll make plenty of friends there. And luckily the unfilterable bins are like the TARDIS - much bigger on the inside. And just as she shows that tag to its new home, Chili gets bombarded with more and more tags that just can't be synned or canonized. A lot of _ruff_ s and growls and groans later, Chili wrangles all the little, lost tags together and brings them all in, to meet their new family and friends in the unfilterable bin.

Just when Chili thinks she's out of trouble and can deal with some simple freeforms, _it_ appears!

'Levi im sorry you cant be top i have no butthole'

No words. (Well, dogs can't speak human words, but you know what she means.)

First of all, who doesn’t have a _butthole_? Hey, dogs may not have belly buttons, but they sure as hell have buttholes! Butts are where canines get most of their information from! Butts and their holes are _extremely_ important.

Chili shakes her head sadly at the confused human who came up with this horrid tag. She's concerned, does this human have a _belly button_ , but no _fur_ or _butthole_? Unfortunate soul.

Secondly, just because one does not have a butthole does not mean that one is necessarily the top. Geez, humans and their obsessions with penises.

But most importantly, this tag belongs with the unfilterables, but... it just _doesn’t_ want to _go_ there! It doesn't help that it's a complete and utter mess, but it also thinks it has the right to do whatever it wants? Not on her human's watch!

Chili braces herself for a long, bloody fight. She rolls her head, stretches out her legs and spreads her toes, claws ready to dig into the unruly tag if she had to. Here it goes…!

Chili waits for the tag - "LISYCBTIHNB" for short, "Lisy" for even shorter - to make the first move. It’s a strategy that’s worked well for her in previous battles. Let the tag reveal its moves first while Chili watches for potential weaknesses. Chili is a skilled wrangler and an even more skilled fighter; she's been on the wrangling beat for way too long to get in over her head.

Lisy charges in head first, making a weird squeaking noise that Chili assumes is its battle cry.

Chili sticks out a paw and Lisy tumbles to the ground. She holds back a laugh. This seems too easy… but it seems like Chili really did get in over her head. Lisy is angry now. Angry tags are _dangerous._ This fight is beginning for real now…

Facing the larger creature, Lisy opens its mouth and lets out a truly terrifying roar. Welp… there's the battle cry Chili was waiting for. She manages to hide her surprise from this sudden change and gulps. (Inside that tiny mouth are some truly horrendous teeth.)

Chili takes this battle and her opponent seriously now. She pounces and lands on top of Lisy, but is quickly shaken off. She hits the floor with a thud! It takes a little bit for her to recover, shaking her head and trying to regain some balance. Apparently, size _doesn't_ matter this time. Chili growls as she finds that her usual strategies aren't having as much of an effect on this new tag. She lets out a low _ruff_ and decides to stay back and analyze her opponent, _for real_ this time. She can't underestimate it right now, not when Human is bound to come back any minute now. According to her internal Human sensor, he’s just left work and is driving home now. _Cats!_

She needs to finish this and _fast._ Chili continues to fend off Lisy’s attacks for what seems like hours. They’re at a stalemate, but Lisy's tiring quickly. It seems like it's time for her ultimate attack.

BAD DOGGIE BREATH! It is a devastating power taught to her by SuperDog Sarlacc, who cautioned her to use it only as a last resort, as it almost always obliterates the tag and has a 50/50 chance of getting her in trouble with Human. But she’s desperate now and she has no choice.

Chili flops onto the floor as if in exhaustion.

_First: Lure your opponent into a false sense of security._

Chili takes a deep breath and holds it. She waits for Lisy to inch closer and closer.

_Second: Don't get zealous. You must lie in wait like an Ekans in tall grass._

Closer… closer… Just a little bit more…

_Third: When the opponent gets cocky and think they've won, go! Catch them off-guard and don't let up the assault until they are completely down and out for the count. Just like when Apollo Creed got beat to a pulp by Ivan Drago and Rocky didn't know whether or not to throw in the towel or respect Apollo's wishes._

And… now!

Chili gets back up to her four paws and quickly releases the pungent gust of wind directly into Lisy’s face.

_SQEEEEEEEEEAWCK!_

Lisy releases the loudest screech Chili has ever heard and she herself stumbles back in pure shock. (Well, the loudest screech excluding the time when Human found a huge spider hanging in some abandoned corner of the room. Chili wished her hearing range wasn't as wide as it is… She's sure that Human's scream could rival a dog whistle in pitch.)

Chili tries to hide her own cringe at the smell, but… it works! Lisy stumbles around in a daze, running into the walls and furniture. Chili blows a medium-powered breath just for good measure and a little bit of revenge. Lisy made her work _way_ harder than usual today.

Lisy flops over, occasionally twitching, but now dead to the world.

_VICTORY!_

Just as Chili is about to do her typical victory dance, her internal Human sensor goes off!  Human’s car is getting closer and closer.

 _Uh oh!_ She only has a few minutes to hand Lisy over to its new friends, clean up the mess in the living room, and get rid of the dog breath smell. Quickly, Chili grabs the passed out Lisy by its collar and brings it to the unfilterable bin. "That one is an aggressive little bugger!" she tells the other tags who look at Lisy in concern. "It'll be fine once it wakes up," assuring them.

Tags all taken care of, Chili rushes and hides her Super Secret Wrangling Laptop under her doggie bed. Next, she goes over to the windows and pushes them open with her nose and paws.

Feeling the vibrations from the garage door opening, Chili tries to speed up. Her tail starts wagging of its own volition.  _Human is coming home!_

But Chili forces herself to focus. If Human comes back to the bad smell, he’ll be suspicious of her and not give her pats or treats, which is sad.

She finds the Febreeze under the sink and squirts half the bottle into the air. She takes a deep sniff. _Good enough!_

Exhausted, Chili flops onto the couch.

Human opens the front door, keys dangling in their right hand, a grocery store bag in the other. " _Chili!_ " Human calls out and Chili can understand their facial movements well enough to know he's talking to her. Still exhausted, she jumps off the couch and runs over to Human, tail wagging with pure happiness. Human snuggles and kissed Chili's face and… take a little too deep of a breath. Oh no, another sweat mark is appearing over her head. _He notices!_ "Chili…" Human's face says to her.

The moment seems to stretch on forever…

She's ready to whine and hang her head in shame when…

"I have _treats!_ "

_Treats?!_

Well, if it wasn't a successful day before, it certainly was now.


End file.
